House-Cleaning and More Company

I am trying to think of myself as a writer again. I just came across the tip of all tips: write 20 minutes a day. I had forgotten about that. As I try to put words in order more often, my muscles are starting to take shape again, slowly. I will purposely aim for steadily.

I still have a list of things to write that the Lord is showing me, but they are not yet fully formed in my heart... not enough, anyway. A little more time in the hopper will be good for all parties.

Tonight's dinner guest is an assistant to one of the President's cabinet members. I did not know this until last night when I finally got to ask my sister about this DC friend of hers visiting our lovely town this week. Upon receiving such news - how funny is this per the last post - I thought, oh my gosh, I've got to clean my house top to bottom!!! Now, at the end of the day she is just a girl my age with a job and brown hair and a big purse and hopes and fears like me. I know this. But I still feel honored to have her in my home! 

So maybe I am not completely over the house-cleaning equals company thing. But now that I am searching my heart about this, I still feel different than I used to... and even this afternoon when I was cleaning, I actually enjoyed it for once. I didn't feel pressured to make it look clean so that it would pass her inspection. I wasn't even doing it to pass my inspection if I was a guest walking into my own house, expecting perfection. OK, maybe a little bit, but not much of that was my motivation. My angle was more of an honoring, preparing my home to receive her. Which definitely has its place - I want to make an effort for my guests to feel treated, comfortable and valued.

This has something to do with my sozo last month, I'm sure... let me think...

The issue was doing everything perfectly, or to the absolute best of my ability (and anything short of that I am a completely miserable failure.) I had a memory of my 2nd grade classroom where I was struggling with an advanced math assignment and realized it was hard... maybe too hard... and what if I didn't do it right? What if I went back to the non-advanced class? What if I got everything wrong? What would my teacher and classmates and parents think of me? Certainly they would think less of me.

But Jesus was there and I saw that was not true - no one would think less of me. They would not think one way or the other. And my parents loved me no matter how smart I proved myself to be. It was only a math paper. It was only a class. It was only a grade. I didn't HAVE to do it. Even then I knew that if I worked really hard, I had the ABILITY to make the grades, so there I was struggling to make it happen. But just because I COULD didn't mean I HAD to suffer through all the stress and labor of making the grade. The truth is that no accomplishment or grade or excellent thing I have to show for myself stands a candle to the treasure of Jesus. He gave me a treasure in that classroom, right then and there. The pressure on my shoulders was lifted. I was not alone anymore. My expectations of myself were replaced by Jesus' companionship and love. Honestly, He doesn't even expect the best from me. He doesn't expect me to do everything 100% and try to do everything I have the mental (or physical or whatever) ability to tackle. Actually I don't think He expects much at all from me, except to love and be loved, to receive His love and treasure it. Which is how he created our hearts to function in the first place. So there is nothing HARD about that!!!!! Awesome!!!!!!

So that has spilled over into house-cleaning because... now I don't feel the pressure to make people think I can do the hardest or best thing. I don't have to look like I have it all together. Now, I do love my home and want to make it beautiful, and respect my home and my husband and my babies crawling around on the floor reaching for every hazard possible. But when I vacuumed under my furniture today, I wasn't doing it because I was afraid sweet DC exec would see the dust. I wasn't even doing it because it had been driving me crazy for three months. I did it because... well, I had the vacuum going and my back didn't hurt too badly, and because a house needs a good clean every few months.  :)  It felt good.

A day in the life

I have lots of things to write, but my head is so muddled I think I just need to do some stream-of-consciousness for a bit. I should be resting, but my head feels too weird to get comfortable and then have to get up when the boys wake. Jake has been screaming all morning. Like I just want to cuss him out screaming. If there wasn't a two-yr-old around I probably would.

We had a delightful dinner last night with two families. This will be the first of 5 events/guests we will be hosting in the next week and a half. And not only am I not overwhelmed by this, I am the instigator of most of them! What??? This is even cooler - last night's invitation was extended Sunday morning. The first time I thought of cleaning my house in preparation was a mere 5 hours before they arrived!!!!!!!!  That is usually my first thought when Jay suggests a dinner - do I have the time and energy to make my house as clean as possible? The answer to this question determines my response. 

But no more!!!!!!! I am so excited. I have always loved having people in our home. But now it's like a big hurdle has been removed, and I can do it with ease and greater joy. Because it doesn't matter how clean my floors and children are when friends walk in the door!  And then last night was an even greater blessing when our guests tackled the dirty dishes and did not stop until every last piece was put away.  My kitchen felt really good when I walked in this morning. I could smell peace and joy and faithfulness in the air. What a blessing! Thanks Lord, for setting me free and for wonderful friends.

I am still doing allergy shots twice a week. Only five more until it's once a week! This will be a huge improvement to my schedule, which now also includes speech therapy once a week and Mother's Day Out twice a week. (Fortunately for my gas tank those two events are only 4 minutes away.) But at this point since the dosage has increased, my shots HURT when I get them and the site is very sensitive for several days afterward. It's even hard to get comfortable at night. Plus I am short of breath and light-headed and if I take a Zyrtec then I'm zonked in the afternoons. I am looking forward to October not just because it is my favorite month, but because hopefully I won't be sick as a dog and will actually get to enjoy it. Yay!!! Hopefully!!!

Yes, Cas had his first therapy session today. It was really good. It is stressful to see him get frustrated when the therapist MAKES him say a word before he can do or touch anything, every time. EVERY time, over and over. But it is really good and fruitful and I'm excited. I am also seeing more of my insecurities come up - feeling like I'm not a good enough teacher for him, or battling someone else who just met my child telling me how to be his mom. But in general I am eager to learn some skills, and above all I want Cas to be able to communicate with ease so his peers can understand him. Good stuff.

My back is still an issue every day. Don't really know what to do with that one. Sometimes it is the sciatic pain down one or both legs. Sometimes it is piercing. Other times it feels like someone is taking a wrench, hammer and screwdriver to my hips and vertebrae. Or like the screws are too loose and if I sit indian-style one more time I'll lose movement in my legs, and something will pop out of place and I'll be overcome with pain. I do ice a couple times a day and go to the chiropractor when we can afford it. I'm trying to keep the ibuprofen to a minimum, but don't know how much longer I can go before doing the whole 800mg thing. My left knee has started hurting too, sometimes enough that I yell going up the stairs. Ugh - don't want to end on this one. Here we go...

It's official - we're going to Destin in October with Jay's parents!!!!!!!!!  WAHOOOOO!!!!!!!! A real live vacation. We have two weekend trips in Sept that will help me prepare for a bigger trip to an unfamiliar place. I think Cas will be great. Jake might be tricky. So excited - it's been four years! I need to check out all the beach books at the library and get a good sandcastle-making set. Cas will eat it up.

All blue sticks

 

My husband and I were joking around the other day about Monopoly --- and Risk and Settlers of Catan and Scrabble and every other board game that takes more than one hour to play... which I cannot stand!!! They may be great games, but even before I had kids I barely had the patience or attention span to play them. My husband loves them all, naturally. He tried to tack LIFE onto that list, but I spoke up and said, no, I love that game! I played it all the time growing up. He said, yeah, you just liked having a little car and adding pink sticks to it. I said yes, all pink sticks, or even number pink and blue.

We had a little laugh about my car-come-true... all blue!

I want to be me again

My sister sent me this article today, which helped loosen my shoulders:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-03-03-momnesia_N.htm

It speaks of the fuzziness scientists consistently find in post-partem brains. They don't understand why - and I don't think they ever will!!! - but obviously hormones, sleep deprivation and the trauma of childbirth are at work in our minds as well as our bodies.

Not only am I relieved to know that other baby-bearers get in the car only to forget where they are going, or forget to strap their baby into the carseat, it brought me hope to read these facts:

**
"It turns you into someone who serves that little infant, to keep it alive no matter what," says Brizendine, founder of the Women's and Teen Girls' Mood and Hormone Clinic at the University of California in San Francisco. "Other parts of your brain that are usually on high alert are sort of taken offline."
**
But women don't get dumber after childbirth. Instead, like sleep-deprived medical residents who learn on the job, their brains are getting a workout. "You are learning a lot," she says. "Once your mommy brain gets readjusted, you get more efficient, and you become smarter and learn things faster, but it won't happen all at once."
**

I'd like to fast-forward to the latter paragraph, please!!!!!

My body has obviously taken a beating by having two babies in a row. Today was the first morning I woke up feeling rested in many, many months - even though by 6 mo. old has been sleeping through the night for several weeks now. I was so excited I jumped out of bed! I usually have 3 states of existence: very tired, exhausted, and DONE!!!!!!!! The simple task of dinner (in which my husband does most of the cooking) wears me out. Last night we had a couple and a neighbor child for the evening and it was total chaos in my head. I don't know why it was so much for me. I wish my tolerance level for life was much higher, because I'd like to have people over for dinner twice a week instead of twice a month. I'd like to have other little boys over to play. I'd like to have something left over for myself at the end of the day.

My mother says, "you have two small children; you will be tired for a long time."

I'm sure this is true. But even on Saturdays when my amazing husband lets me sleep in and I get 9 hours of sleep, I can still barely get out of bed. Is that normal? My asthma and allergies continue to worsen, despite all my daily meds. My back hurts. I get sick a lot. My body just doesn't seem to be working right.

So I am on a quest... to walk every day, to eat less, to put good things in my body, to lose weight, to do everything I can (with a limited budget) to get my lungs and every other organ working the way they should. I am researching online about Candida, asthma, allergies, aches and pains, vitamins, health drinks, alternative medicine, new research, etc.

Repeat, with a limited budget, it is difficult to make a good decision. I am asking the Lord everyday for wisdom, resources, discipline, and joy. In the midst of caring for my boys, I have lost sight of caring for myself. And I realized I really need to be cared for! The Lord recently spoke to me through friends that I am not alone, that He is with me, holding me, taking care of me. What comfort that brought to me! Another said, "I see baskets coming to your door - boxes of things that you need - even more than you could need or want."

Thank you Lord, for being for me! For providing beyond my longings! I have much need. I can't wait to see where this journey will lead - how I will feel, and look, and learn, and be able to be the best version of myself, so I can freely give to my family and others in need, and not know poverty in myself.

And if anyone has any resources I might find helpful, please pass them along!

Superbowl Sunday Surprises

This pic was last January - it seems like so long ago!

I'm looking forward to Sunday because of more than just football - sigh - the last game of the year... and it probably won't even be exciting. Sorry, Eli, it's true.

My joy is because it was on Superbowl Sunday XL that I went into labor with Cas (during church), and it was XLI that I found out I was pregnant with Jake! It has become a memorable day in the Norris family. I wonder if XLII will bring another blessing (OTHER THAN a baby, that is!). You never know what the Lord has up His sleeves to give us. We'll see. :)

oh, the dark circles

This is what I look like on a good day right now. Between my asthma and my baby who resists a nighttime schedule, I continue to be sleep-deprived. Oh well. Hopefully that will change in the next month. But I'm holding my breath for a momentous occasion... tomorrow we leave both the boys with Nana and Grandad for the afternoon - and hopefully Jake will take a bottle - and hopefully Jay and I will go see a movie! I will (greatly) rejoice when it happens, but not until... our first real date longer than an hour in over 4 mos.

prego

We are no more than eight weeks from meeting our second son! What a thrilling and crazy time.

I personally think feeling a baby move inside you is the most amazing experience in the universe. I am so honored to carry a child! What a mysterious wonder of a privilege. The closer we get the more I start to think about how difficult it will be when the baby is small. I just repeat to myself, I will have help, I will have help, I will have help! I can't wait for you all to meet #2.