Melchizedek and me

The Message  translation is so handy for getting my brain out of the way and seeing Scripture in a whole new light. I've been thinking lately about Jesus as our High Priest, so I found the chapters in Hebrews (4-8 or so) where Paul makes a case backwards and forwards that Jesus is totally apart from the Law, and "a priest forever, according to the order of Melchizedek." It is an amazing read in the Message!

Has anyone ever seen the Abraham movie with Barbara Hershey as Sarah? It's really good at bringing Abraham's story to life. His encounter with Melchizedek grips me every time. He is wandering through the desert to find another place to settle down... since he picked up and left his home in obedience to God's voice (a God that no one has ever heard of), nothing but bad stuff has happened to him. In the movie he is at a real crisis - what in the world have I done? Gone to such drastic lengths all because I heard 'God's voice?' No one else believes me, and I am responsible for all these people and goods... what in the world am I going to do?

So out of NOWHERE this beautiful old man in an amazing robe rides up on his camel and speaks to Abram. He blesses him and calls him God's man, and you can see how his words directly minister to Abraham - like he was confirming that he heard God and God loves him and He won't leave him out to dry, because M. knows and follows Him too, the same God - God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth.

Abraham falls to the ground weeping, and instantly gives him a tenth of everything he has.

And thus the birth of tithing.

Paul goes on and on about how Jesus and Melchizedek and grace are under the New Covenant and the Law and the Priests and falling short are under the Old Covenant. It is a Sheasby-esque on-and-on if I ever saw one. :) 

To me this means that Jesus is that glorious old man we stumble upon in the desert - in the middle of our questions and worries and what-have-I-dones, and His mere presence let alone His words silence all the craziness inside our hearts when He says,

Blessed be (your name here) by God Most High,

Creator of heaven and earth.

And blessed be God Most High,

Who delivered your enemies into your hand.

...After this, the word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision:

Do not be afraid, Abram.

I am your shield, 

Your very great reward.

-Gen 12-15

House-Cleaning and More Company

I am trying to think of myself as a writer again. I just came across the tip of all tips: write 20 minutes a day. I had forgotten about that. As I try to put words in order more often, my muscles are starting to take shape again, slowly. I will purposely aim for steadily.

I still have a list of things to write that the Lord is showing me, but they are not yet fully formed in my heart... not enough, anyway. A little more time in the hopper will be good for all parties.

Tonight's dinner guest is an assistant to one of the President's cabinet members. I did not know this until last night when I finally got to ask my sister about this DC friend of hers visiting our lovely town this week. Upon receiving such news - how funny is this per the last post - I thought, oh my gosh, I've got to clean my house top to bottom!!! Now, at the end of the day she is just a girl my age with a job and brown hair and a big purse and hopes and fears like me. I know this. But I still feel honored to have her in my home! 

So maybe I am not completely over the house-cleaning equals company thing. But now that I am searching my heart about this, I still feel different than I used to... and even this afternoon when I was cleaning, I actually enjoyed it for once. I didn't feel pressured to make it look clean so that it would pass her inspection. I wasn't even doing it to pass my inspection if I was a guest walking into my own house, expecting perfection. OK, maybe a little bit, but not much of that was my motivation. My angle was more of an honoring, preparing my home to receive her. Which definitely has its place - I want to make an effort for my guests to feel treated, comfortable and valued.

This has something to do with my sozo last month, I'm sure... let me think...

The issue was doing everything perfectly, or to the absolute best of my ability (and anything short of that I am a completely miserable failure.) I had a memory of my 2nd grade classroom where I was struggling with an advanced math assignment and realized it was hard... maybe too hard... and what if I didn't do it right? What if I went back to the non-advanced class? What if I got everything wrong? What would my teacher and classmates and parents think of me? Certainly they would think less of me.

But Jesus was there and I saw that was not true - no one would think less of me. They would not think one way or the other. And my parents loved me no matter how smart I proved myself to be. It was only a math paper. It was only a class. It was only a grade. I didn't HAVE to do it. Even then I knew that if I worked really hard, I had the ABILITY to make the grades, so there I was struggling to make it happen. But just because I COULD didn't mean I HAD to suffer through all the stress and labor of making the grade. The truth is that no accomplishment or grade or excellent thing I have to show for myself stands a candle to the treasure of Jesus. He gave me a treasure in that classroom, right then and there. The pressure on my shoulders was lifted. I was not alone anymore. My expectations of myself were replaced by Jesus' companionship and love. Honestly, He doesn't even expect the best from me. He doesn't expect me to do everything 100% and try to do everything I have the mental (or physical or whatever) ability to tackle. Actually I don't think He expects much at all from me, except to love and be loved, to receive His love and treasure it. Which is how he created our hearts to function in the first place. So there is nothing HARD about that!!!!! Awesome!!!!!!

So that has spilled over into house-cleaning because... now I don't feel the pressure to make people think I can do the hardest or best thing. I don't have to look like I have it all together. Now, I do love my home and want to make it beautiful, and respect my home and my husband and my babies crawling around on the floor reaching for every hazard possible. But when I vacuumed under my furniture today, I wasn't doing it because I was afraid sweet DC exec would see the dust. I wasn't even doing it because it had been driving me crazy for three months. I did it because... well, I had the vacuum going and my back didn't hurt too badly, and because a house needs a good clean every few months.  :)  It felt good.

Second Honeymoon

I am full this morning. Full of love. For my husband. He is the BEST. Every day I grow more thankful for him, and more in love with him.

Last week we got to get away for a couple days while my parents kept the boys. They did pretty well without us, and we had a wonderful time! I described it the other day as a second honeymoon, almost. It was so refreshing to be together, just the two of us. That phrase makes me laugh because one time at church we were sitting together and a girl was giving words of encouragement from the front. She pointed to us and talked about how the Lord was going to give us a second honeymoon, and how well-suited we are for each other, etc. Everyone started chuckling and looking around... they all knew we weren't married! --- we weren't even engaged yet! We had only been dating about five months at that point.

But here we are six years later and it is coming true in my heart.

I was sharing with a newly-wed the other day about the dynamics of becoming one deep inside, and remembering that season of life. What a unique and mysterious thing, learning to love and give and receive and live with your husband and with Jesus, who all along has been your husband. I started talking about how Jay became Jesus in the flesh to me, and how that blew me away. When I messed up and he kept loving me without batting an eye, my heart would say... hey, I know that love! That is Jesus. That is God's love - unconditional, unwavering, always celebrating my character, never keeping a record of wrongs. Always believing, always hoping, always there...

And the most amazing part is, I get to touch this Jesus person, hug him and thank him and be with him. He is there when I wake up in the morning. I can hear his voice and anticipate his next move. What a gift. What a mystery - of Christ and His bride. The way of a man with a woman.

I am so very grateful, so humbled by your love, my husband. My heart is full.

Leading Lady

I heard a movie line last night that resonated in me. The Holiday (w/Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz doing a house-swap for Christmas vacation) is actually decent. Kate Winslet visits LA and befriends a 90-something-year old Hollywood writer. He shares a movie-writing tidbit with her at dinner that goes something like this:

In movies, there is a leading lady and a best friend. Don't be the weaker role of best friend in your own life-film. You ARE the leading lady, so act like it!

My dear friend Isa recently reminded me of the amazing Nelson Mandela quote along the same lines:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be  brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT  to be?

"You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are ALL meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our won light sine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. 

"As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!! How did he know my heart so well?

So here's to me coming back into the lead role of my life. I walk around my house telling myself I am the queen of this home. It is slowly seeping into my cautious mind. I gotta tell you it feels really good. I really want to be fully me. Help me Lord!!!

The Delightful Land

Psalm 16 is a favorite of mine. I have always found comfort in these words:

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.

The boundary lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance."

I was recently given a new way to meditate on this promise. I was talking to the Lord about my need to stay put together, to have everything under control, to keep a clean house, to be excellent at everything I attempt, to be able to control the twists and turns life throws at me, to stay calm under pressure. I was considering these weak places in my soul, and thinking of others I know who seem miserable because they have to control everything. "Lord, I don't want to be like that!" I pleaded. I don't want to be under that performance thing, or whatever it is. I will only ever fall short of such standards. I know these are man's standards, not God's, but somehow I still find myself trapped in their nets.

And He said to me, "Rachel, the boundary lines have fallen for you in pleasant places." 

So Lord, if you have drawn the boundaries of my life, does that really mean I don't have to control them, or try to set my own? So You have already done it? Forgive my arrogance! I see now that my own boundaries are much tighter than the wide space you have measured out for me. No wonder I am miserable! I have been limiting myself, cheating myself from enjoying my full portion, thinking all along that I knew what was best for me and how I should live. I have been running myself ragged only to find I am powerless to meet my own standards.

And if you have assigned my portion, and you say it is delightful, then it must be so! And you know my heart, and by your grace you will keep me in this delightful land, and not let me try to create my own boundaries of what I call success or wellness or greatness or excellence. I can stay within the lines you've drawn for me, and within those lines you have set me up for success and excellence, and given me everything I need to thrive within that land. Just as you did for your people long ago, "the glorious ones in whom is all my delight." I don't have to be tortured by the prospect of things being out of order, or out of my control. I know that they are within YOUR control, and that is certainly enough! You are much better at my life than I am. My lot is secure. My inheritance is melodiously beautiful. 

And so my heart rejoices, and my body will rest secure. Keep me safe,  O God, inside the HUGE land you have given to me. Show me its goodness. Lead me to the milk and honey. Open my heart to the melodies within; to the pearls of great price you've hidden in the fields; to the rivers of life waiting to be tapped.

(Later I looked at the Hebrew definitions, and found that 'boundary lines' is chebel, meaning a binding cord, not just in reference to measuring property, but to bind as in pain - the pangs of childbirth, travail, and deep sorrow. This makes it even sweeter to me - that even my sorrows have fallen to me in na'iym: lovely, beautiful, sweetly sounding, agreeable places. What a gracious God we have.)

26.2 miles

We had friends stay with us last weekend. They came up from Bham for Mike to run in the marathon. He did it! AMAZING!!! I am dumbfounded by the thought of running 6 hours straight. Many cheers for Mike.

More than once the Lord has said to me, "Just run. Just do it." I suppose because I often feel like sitting down... and maybe not getting up for a long time.

Mike said after the race that it was mostly a mental battle - trying not to think about how many miles are left, trying not to get discouraged. He also said the hardest part was starting up again after a brief stop for water. I think I spend to much of my emotional energy thinking about how many hours are still left in the day; how many days until the weather is nice enough to play outside; how many weeks are there until my boys stop teething, start talking, stop making messes, start playing soccer. This is what I bring to the Lord when he tells me to just run. Between the lines I read, "stop thinking, stop measuring, stop comparing, stop looking at your lack. Just run. Don't stop.

I think about this everyday when I feel like calling it quits.

Paul told the Corinthians to run - but not just for kicks - Run to Win, he said. That's a whole new level that I really cannot attain to right now. Maybe as I train my body for running it will come closer.

Life's Clutter

As I sit down to write for the first time in months, my head feels even more cluttered than my desk, so I just remedied the easier of the two messes. All that is left is the computer, the printer, my glass of milk and Jake's passy. It still feels too cluttered. My mind is so full... of life-altering questions, do to lists, tears, bursts of laughter, dreams of napping, concerns for friends, the jingles and sweet coos of my newborn in his play seat, the loudening "MAA!!" as Cas searches for me from room to room, no doubt seeking more raisins and another showing of Ratatouille. My main comfort is the storm blowing in this afternoon... I love that constant soaking sound. It reminds me that life goes on, and there will always be enough.

A friend has died of cervical cancer. She is my age and her younger son was due the same week as Cas. At her funeral last night, I kept staring at the 1975 on the front of the program. 1975. Surely this is not. Surely she is not already gone ahead of us. I could not even begin to comprehend... if it was me... not that I would ever think that would happen to me... but Marcy never thought it would happen to her! As I wrestle with a God who would allow such a thing, I am reminded of Billy Graham's response in times of incomprehensible loss - this is the greatest time to believe in Him, for surely having no God to turn to in such tragedy would be worse. Of course. And of course I still believe, and still trust, and still know that He IS good.

But seriously, this is messed up! For a while last night at the service I took the angle of someone who doesn't believe, and felt it foolish to blindly follow someone so powerful who does not reach down and share His power with us. I felt so weak, so frail, so... human. So in the dark. I felt the defeat of death. I felt afraid to think about the greatness of heaven, because I don't want to go there yet! I don't want my mind to be set on things above, because what if I have the chance to go, and in a moment of weakness (or strength) choose heaven over my family? I don't even want to ask myself what I want to be known for in life, because I should have many, many years to think about that... later. Usually death (not so) politely reminds me that life is short, and heaven is to be longed for, but this time I am trying to hold on to the length of it as hard as I can. I have never before had so much to lose on earth, I guess. I've never had three people who depend on me, who could not live without me. I don't want to set my heart on eternity. I'm fine right here!

But I cannot hold eternity back from my soul any more than I can refuse my child something to eat. It is there, stamped into my being since before my being, by the one who controls my days here and and there. My very breath reveals that the Breath of Life, who was and is and is to come, has given me today here, in Franklin, Tennessee. So tonight when Jay comes home, I will hold him tight.

The storm grows stronger; it has woken Cas, overwhelmed the yard, and prompted a tornado siren? Yum. Let's add a cup of hot tea. I stop to file my nails. This is good, good for my heart that is stretched in a hundred ways today. Ratatouille it is.

I still don't know where to go with this. Lord? A little help here? Maybe my desire to live in the moment IS the appropriate response for me. This season's days are usually uneventful, often monotonous. What a gift to long for them - to be grateful for another load of dishes waiting for me. Surely Marcy's boys would love to be standing next to their mother washing dishes today, the baby sitting on the open dishwasher door. I can't get past today in my mind, so I guess for now that is where I will stay.

Not a drop in the sky suddenly. I think I will cuddle up with Cas and enjoy the movie with him, soaking up all the happiness I can, hoping it doesn't pour out too quickly for me to swallow it whole.

I love being a mother and housewife. I love it.

He goes behind

Cas's first sighting of a real train!


In my large and hormonal state, I have the feeling I probably offend people and lack grace and, well, everything else I need to be enough to those in my life. But this morning I awoke with phrases from Psalms going through my mind. They were all about the Lord surrounding me and being my provision. One of the phrases keeps growing inside me: "My glory will be your rear-guard." I can't find those exact words in scripture - maybe it's in a different version - but it's similar to the Ps 3 verse, "Thou, oh, Lord, are a shield around me, my glory and the lifter of my head."

Glory defined:
1) glory, honour, glorious, abundance
a) abundance, riches
b) honour, splendour, glory
c) honour, dignity
d) honour, reputation
e) honour, reverence, glory
f) glory

The more I consider this, the more the Lord is telling me that I don't have to worry about being or doing enough, leaving the right impressions, and being kind to everyone right now. He is telling me that in my wake I am leaving not impressions of short-tempered, low-energy Rachel, but of HIS glory! Everywhere I go, everything I do, He goes behind me and spreads out His glory, and that's the golden wake that is left behind. His abundance, His reputation, His splendor, His glow. What a relief! He is taking care of everything! I can rest in who HE is, and hide myself in Him, and know that He is providing enough for me and for those I love.

why I write

"Therefore every scribe who has become a disciple of the kingdom of heaven is like a head of a household, who brings out of his treasure things new and old." --Matthew 13:52



This is one of my favorite verses, and I'm not even sure why... except that my spirit somehow resounds with being a scribe. In Jesus' time scribes were like paralegals/copy machines; they wrote copies of the scriptures and important documents and kept all the details straight in the record books, both in the temple and in the city. It was probably an unseen job, but very important for their work to be excellent. I can certainly relate to that!

It's such an amazing word picture - a head of the household going into his storeroom and bringing out an old wooden carved box his greatgrandfather made, telling the kids the story behind it, then opening it up and giving each child their own little box in which to store treasures.

My hope is that having this blog will motivate me to write, which is something I know I should be doing, and is a great outlet for me to straighten out my thoughts and feel creative. I hope each reader will be enouraged and inspired... or at least get to know me a little better. Thanks for being my sounding boards!

waiting

lessons on waiting

remembering

My awesome son Cas!






Last Dec. 1 Bill Johnson spoke at GC on the power of remembering... recalling to mind where you come from, what your history and family legacy is, what God has done for past generations, what God has done for you... I should listen to it again, it is so simple and encouraging. Yes, like the Lion King : "Remember who you are..." It is a charge of the kingdom -- and of life-- to live beyond your own generation, pulling on everything good that has come before you and passing it on your children and your children's children. Wouldn't it be amazing to hear your great-grandmother's account of her wedding day, or to read her letters to her sons at war? What must her prayers have sounded like as she sang her babies to sleep, or wept over their feverish bodies when polio cases were reported in town?

My mother and her great-aunt have done extensive research on our family line, tracing it all the way back to Jamestown and even further to English lords and servants of the 15th century. It is powerful just to see their names on paper and read accounts of them in Captain Rolfe's records. It is inspiring to know that our ancestors' names are on a pew in Windsor Palace. But oh how I wish I could know more about their every-day lives and all the experiences they suffered and rejoiced through! What a depth there would be to my identity and my gratitude to them and to the Lord!

Last year I became active in a Daughters of the American Revolution chapter that has started up in Brentwood. (I've been a DAR since my mother did it for me in high school, and she has been very active for several years. And yes, this makes Jay a HODAR, which he would want me to mention.) DAR is a community organization open to anyone who can trace their lineage back to a patriot of the Revolutionary War. People ask me what in the world DAR does, and the official answer is that we promote patriotism, education and historical preservation. But at the heart of this group of women is a cry to our nation to REMEMBER! Remember that people risked and gave their lives, liberty and fortunes so that we could be free. Remember the principles America was founded on! Don't forget all those who have served, bled and died through the decades, and don't forget those who fight today for us to maintain our freedom. I see these women planting stakes in the ground, with flags waving high on hills and monuments across the nation, shouting in the spirit, REMEMBER! It is our duty, our privilege, our mandate to recall to mind what the Lord has done for past generations, and to tell these stories to our sons and daughters.

So this is another reason I write, to remember.
-Ps 136