I want to be me again

My sister sent me this article today, which helped loosen my shoulders:

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-03-03-momnesia_N.htm

It speaks of the fuzziness scientists consistently find in post-partem brains. They don't understand why - and I don't think they ever will!!! - but obviously hormones, sleep deprivation and the trauma of childbirth are at work in our minds as well as our bodies.

Not only am I relieved to know that other baby-bearers get in the car only to forget where they are going, or forget to strap their baby into the carseat, it brought me hope to read these facts:

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"It turns you into someone who serves that little infant, to keep it alive no matter what," says Brizendine, founder of the Women's and Teen Girls' Mood and Hormone Clinic at the University of California in San Francisco. "Other parts of your brain that are usually on high alert are sort of taken offline."
**
But women don't get dumber after childbirth. Instead, like sleep-deprived medical residents who learn on the job, their brains are getting a workout. "You are learning a lot," she says. "Once your mommy brain gets readjusted, you get more efficient, and you become smarter and learn things faster, but it won't happen all at once."
**

I'd like to fast-forward to the latter paragraph, please!!!!!

My body has obviously taken a beating by having two babies in a row. Today was the first morning I woke up feeling rested in many, many months - even though by 6 mo. old has been sleeping through the night for several weeks now. I was so excited I jumped out of bed! I usually have 3 states of existence: very tired, exhausted, and DONE!!!!!!!! The simple task of dinner (in which my husband does most of the cooking) wears me out. Last night we had a couple and a neighbor child for the evening and it was total chaos in my head. I don't know why it was so much for me. I wish my tolerance level for life was much higher, because I'd like to have people over for dinner twice a week instead of twice a month. I'd like to have other little boys over to play. I'd like to have something left over for myself at the end of the day.

My mother says, "you have two small children; you will be tired for a long time."

I'm sure this is true. But even on Saturdays when my amazing husband lets me sleep in and I get 9 hours of sleep, I can still barely get out of bed. Is that normal? My asthma and allergies continue to worsen, despite all my daily meds. My back hurts. I get sick a lot. My body just doesn't seem to be working right.

So I am on a quest... to walk every day, to eat less, to put good things in my body, to lose weight, to do everything I can (with a limited budget) to get my lungs and every other organ working the way they should. I am researching online about Candida, asthma, allergies, aches and pains, vitamins, health drinks, alternative medicine, new research, etc.

Repeat, with a limited budget, it is difficult to make a good decision. I am asking the Lord everyday for wisdom, resources, discipline, and joy. In the midst of caring for my boys, I have lost sight of caring for myself. And I realized I really need to be cared for! The Lord recently spoke to me through friends that I am not alone, that He is with me, holding me, taking care of me. What comfort that brought to me! Another said, "I see baskets coming to your door - boxes of things that you need - even more than you could need or want."

Thank you Lord, for being for me! For providing beyond my longings! I have much need. I can't wait to see where this journey will lead - how I will feel, and look, and learn, and be able to be the best version of myself, so I can freely give to my family and others in need, and not know poverty in myself.

And if anyone has any resources I might find helpful, please pass them along!