I've been lying in bed trying to sleep for an hour and a half now (yes, I go to bed at 9.30), so I figure it's time to write it out.
My heart is spinningly full tonight - full of concern and wonderings and prayers for friends. Three friends in particular, with whom I spoke to in a three-hour window this afternoon: a lonely friend making her way in a new life, a 39-week pregnant friend praying her breech baby will turn before she has to have a c-section, and a tired friend whose son (the oldest of six) is very, very sick. Three friends whose courage and grace under fire continually amaze and inspire me, even when they are having an easy day! I carry friends' experiences and heartaches very close to my chest - it is a strength and a weakness, I think, and most definitely how I am made. I have learned through the years to let Jesus do the heavy lifting, which takes the pressure off and brings great hope, but does not change the fact that people hurt, and so I hurt with them. I think it is my way of interceding -- as long as I keep it in check with the Lord -- and it is an honor.
Especially the last couple years, with every encounter with pain and sickness, I have reflected it back to God- as in, "what do You think, being completely good and loving, about this crappy situation right here, and how do You figure?" I have found this works better than ignoring the elephant in the room or keeping a list of offenses against the One who knows it all, assuming that He is ok with it, or even allowed it. Sometimes it's more of a "how the *@!? do You figure?" but hey, it's an open dialogue, which I like, and I think He likes it too. We are building relational capacity, if you will.
Speaking of capacity, one of my life scriptures is... a reference I can never remember... nice. Hold on.
Ok, Luke 12.23: "Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys."
Another version says, "Make yourselves purses that do not wear out."
I think of this on these nights when my heart feels like it can't hold it all. I imagine my fingers intertwined with His as we work on my purse. Strengthening the stitches, stretching the leather, pouring more into my heart with confidence and joy -- not only more needs, but more grace, more wisdom, more understanding, more effective prayers, more strength and endurance to weather such storms, including my own. I long for Him to teach me how to sell my possessions and freely give, literally and figuratively, because I feel so very far from understanding how to do that. I trust that these times in all of our lives are building sure treasure troves that we can all pull on for each other, as we reach for the things of heaven to become reality here in this life.
I was asking the Lord about my own sickness a couple days ago -- how does He figure, and what am I supposed to do about it, and I could use some hope here instead of silence! I saw His hands on my chest and my upper back, and felt Him encouraging me to let it go -- that if it is something I can't control, then there is no use in trying to fix myself, and no use in blaming myself when I take a turn for the worse. And no use blaming Him, either. Then I came across a promise in Ps 16: "You will make known to me the path of Life." Which to me spoke to the aspects of living with asthma, for example, that I can control... so even there, I am not on my own. Which is what He was saying - to let it go and trust HIM to do the figuring out and the work and the worrying and the holding-together of my life when I find it difficult to breathe, and wonder if I always will. Literally. Like right now.
So Lord, for my lungs, and for the tired, confused, lonely and sick ones close to my heart tonight, I just want to say that You are good, and that I trust that our purses won't break, and that there is and will be enough. Come be more than enough for us tonight - hold us, heal us, illumine the path of Life to us, fill us up so that your love and truth and unfailing treasure redeems and soothes and pushes out all that we carry that is not founded in Your love. It's your love that is enough - it never fails.
Love never fails.
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